Seasons

If we broke the seasons down into stages of humanity, as opposed to weather; I think there’d be a different perception. Spring is an awakening. A time when environmental and personal beauty are given new appreciation. New life starts and inspires us to make that move, that new perception of emjoyment. Summer is freedom. Fully embracing what and who is around us. Living in free wheeling ways whether simply in a freer thinking or monumental actions. Fall is nature giving us a beautiful, impactful temporary end while new beginnings are giving us the drive to move forward among the changes. Winter. That’s our test. That’s the moment when we evaluate. We try to collect our memories of the year into a little box we’ll view from time to time. Our emotions will still emanate from it. But the tenacity it takes to fight how intense winter can be, physically, mentally, etc. is what makes the rest of the stages the progression. We end winter sometimes bitter and weary, but suddenly know what’s ahead. Those easier parts exist. But strength is what makes the rest of it so much easier. Makes us view our memories with our purposes and not with that one moment but collectively.

Don’t get me wrong. I hate winter. I hate driving in it, the danger of it intrigues, yet worries me. It’s so much more complex right down to how the amount of clothing necessary increases.

But there us purpose everywhere. It’s not blatant. It’s not defined. It is what we make it and allow ourselves to feel.

Life is beautiful because of the pain sometimes. Because we know that something has hurt us enough that we have no idea how we’ll see another side. Yet it also means we’ve had a monumental, human and purposeful experience. And it shapes us. We never stop shaping ourselves if we allow it. It’s the shapes we go with that create what we experience.

Rabbit Trails

Every time I start thinking about writing, I start with one subject and hop to another, and merge to something off the wall, and so on. You’ve all read my rambling. This post was intended to start out as my proclamation to finally follow through with a lifelong dream of writing a book. Or two. Or more. Then I started thinking about why I was writing. Someone whom I’ve lost used to joke that my head was full of rabbit trails. I was constantly following different ones. And that’s precisely how I work.

Which led me to thinking of writing this post about this year. This cock monkey of a year. I’d apologize for offending there, but this year has done it’s fair share of disrespect. I’m allowed something. 2014. Seriously. I’m a free thinker, open to all possibilities and genuinely believe in energies, visions, etc. But this year has made me question everything I’ve ever done. Anything I’ll ever do going forward. Loss, pain, heartache, confusion, complete and utter depression. Along with happiness, friends who should have given up and didn’t, meeting new people who bring more to my life. It’s just all been mixed with emotions I’ve never experienced, in all my 30 or so years. Well, that’s a lie. Emotions I’ve previously avoided. They’ve been there from time to time. I’ve done all I can to avoid them. But they were in fact mixed with ones I’d like to avoid feeling again.

With a realization, that through one set of wise words; that no one is responsible for keeping me in check, but myself. My choices, my reactions and my coping are all innate to my ways of thinking. I do dumb things. I do smart things. I’m a genuinely nice person with an incredible lack of willpower at times who simply wants to enjoy life. Hedonism isn’t necessarily conducive to all aspects of adulthood, though. So you have to face that grown up bullshit that some people choose to embrace, and some choose to disregard, misunderstand or handle flippantly.

But how do yo find that balance between being who you are and who you think you should be. Not to mention that added pressure of realizing that regardless of what anyone wants to think, they’re going to base that decision heavily on the perspective of everyone but themselves.

There have been times this year where I’ve been so completely downtrodden, so tackled by life, and I should have just sat down and gave up. But I couldn’t. All I could do at that point was put on a smile, and as Winston Churchill proclaimed, if you’re going through hell, keep going. There’s got to be an end point somewhere, right? And if not, hey, maybe you run into the devil and he turns out to be a pretty cool guy who is just misunderstood.

What is my first book going to be about? Without an official outline, I can say it’ll be about a girl. A girl and her life. The choices she’s made, the situation she finds herself in. The seriously preposterous stuff she’s gotten herself into. And where reality, wishes and perspective’s lines start to blur.

I’ve had to learn a lot of lessons in order to stay in a good place. I have children who need a sane mother, who can maintain stability for their advancement and proper growth. All the while I’m trying to grow up as well. Life can kind of force that you on you, even if you think you’re there, sometimes reminders come from left field, that nope, not quite. And the question is, faced with forks in the road and detours on the trip, which path do you take.

The key is whether your gut, your heart or your head took you there. Because those three very rarely work together without ongoing disagreement.

Until next time…..

Give Thanks

You’ve either wondered what I could possibly come up with to say on Thanksgiving, or you’ve got more to do than read Facebook today, and I’m sure some of you have just hidden my feed given my lengthy musings I share.

I’m writing this grumpily, while trying to define positivity. I sometimes hate complaining about this year. It’s not even over yet. There are others dealing with far more pain and anguish and fear. I suppose as long as I recognize that, I can convince myself that it’s okay to acknowledge my own experiences.

I tried to come up with an accurate description of this year so far. Like walking on ice and not sure what spots would break through. Those devices on movies or video games, where a character has to run through swinging pendulums in hopes of not getting hit by them. But ultimately, this year has no accurate description.

And I’m wading through to identify what I’m going to appreciate not only today, but new understanding of the past and going forwards. Friends. I love my friends. I have best friends, meaningful friends, casual friends, spiritually connected friends, fair weather friends (hey, we all have them!). Some of those I consider part of my family. Family doesn’t have to be blood related or have some other definitive marker. It’s knowing that they have a special place in your life and your heart. And I’m appreciative for each one of those friends. Some will stay, some will go and that’s as it’s meant to be. And I’ll appreciate the emotions that accompany those changes.

My kids are a given. Even if they thrown five minute tantrums because they suddenly forgot how to put their pants on or say they’re not my friend because I won’t buy them a specific kind of juice. I have one who gives out compliments left and right because he wants people happy and another who has grown into a little boy who can actually help me more and hold his brother’s hand when he needs it. Both who already express care and concern about others emotions. And I love that I’m raising children who have already learned how important feelings are.

Even in loss this year, one I had a chance to handle slowly and say my proper goodbyes. And I’m appreciative of that. And the other, while there will never be a true peace there, I know that I made someone else’s life good. I brought happiness to a sad place. I gave someone peace when they most needed it. Doesn’t make it any easier, but if that soul had to go, it needed my presence. And I was gifted with the ability through this realization that my strength is far better than I thought. That my motivation to do good can shine through and is a good thing when handled correctly. I’ve felt new emotions that I didn’t know existed and while they suck sometimes, they’ve given me perspective. I appreciate that perspective.

And you. Everyone. Whether you like me or you don’t. Whether you know me well or barely at all. We all still exist together. Unfortunately I wouldn’t say co-exist in some situations. But you’re there. Trying to make the same sense of different things. My appreciation of life is tainted, but also increased.

Hope you all have at least one thing to appreciate today, and if you aren’t sure, you’re looking too hard. It should be right there.

My New Year’s post is going to be epic……

In the hearts of men.

I don’t know anyone in Newtown. I’d never heard the town name before Friday. But I know moms and dads and how our hearts feel about our children. I know that I’m struggling to understand the tragedy that has happened. Again. Too often. And while every shooting, every death is heartbreaking and senseless, there’s something about losing classrooms full of first graders that is making me not be able to think about this without completely crumbling inside. My son is only three years younger than some of the victims. I unfortunately imagine him, in a classroom, terrified and I fight the urge to build a panic room and live in it forever. I read the victim’s names and recounts of the day and the tears well up again and again.

I won’t talk gun control. I don’t feel I’m educated enough on either side to offer valid opinions. But I want to talk about something I feel will be mentioned but not addressed. Because as I think of those victims, I also think of the family of Adam Lanza. They’ll live forever knowing what he did and wondering why. Wondering if they, as his blood relatives, should have been able to see this coming and if they somehow failed him. Mental illness continues to remain a stigma, a parodied, misunderstood condition that affects so many and yet never seems a reality to those not suffering. When I see pictures of the shooter, I don’t even see a man, I see a boy. A haunted, possibly ill boy who looks emaciated and as the mother of boys, his face and his actions haunt me nearly as much as the suffering of his victims. I am in no way defending what he did. His decisions were heinous and deplorable. I know how (guns), but I want to know why. We’ll never get the answers, but if we continue to ignore mental illness, questionable behavior and the severity of emotions any one person can be experiencing, this can only be the worst of all trends we could ever see.

Some shooters have been bullied and I feel that schools, adults and parents have made steps (albeit, minimal in my opinion) to rectify the torture school children endure at the hands of their classmates. But mental illness, whether it’s depression or bipolar, autism or anxiety, are widely laughed off. They’re not tangible. You can’t see the suffering, so they’re not real. Maybe the person is making it up. But they’re very much fact.

Through my teen years and into adulthood, I’ve personally dealt with merciless bullying, severe depression, anxiety, anorexia, bulimia, self harm and most recently, postpartum depression following the birth of both of my sons. I’ve fought through; I’ve fallen down and gotten back up. Sometimes with my own strength and sometimes with the support of others.  While I could never imagine turning on anyone with any form of violence, I still to this day wince inside when I think about the bullying and hate that part of them that turned their insecurities and their cruelty on me. I know when I’m feeling emotions that may cause an eating disorder relapse and I stop them. I know my depression signs and can let others know it’s coming. While in the past, I would consider and did harm myself, I’m far too much of a bleeding heart to think of hurting another person. It’s unfathomable to me to consider the act of it. But I know the pain and the hurt and the confusion that you deal with when your brain just isn’t working the way society is telling you it should. It’s like being in a maze that has a dead end at every turn. You just turn in circles and go left and right and every time you run into a wall. It’s maddening. You scream silently for help, but in most cases you don’t feel you deserve the actual attention you’d receive if you spoke loudly enough for someone to take heed.

Our brains are so very confusing and there’s much we don’t know about them. There’s science upon science about our behaviors but there’s never any true way to know why one neuron may fire and another may not or who this might happen to. And there’s enough evil in the world to cause our fragile minds to process life in such different ways. PTSD from sexual abuse that may lead to eating disorders, mania and anxiety. Bipolar disorder purely from the genetic card dealt.  I recently read an article that detailed scientific evidence regarding our digestive system and its direct tie to our mental state. Our enteric nervous system, which is what lines our gut is so complex and influential that scientists refer to it as a second brain. The serotonin being produced there can directly affect our reactions and our stomachs. If our digestive system can be so complicated, I can’t even imagine what is going on in our brains.

My experience and knowledge of mental hurdles makes me afraid for my kids. Not only in sending them to school not knowing how safe they are, but also in what they may come up against emotionally. Will they be too ashamed to tell me if they’re feeling emotions that scare them or make them act irrationally? I tell myself I would notice if their behavior is amiss, but I fear in the fast-paced world, I might overlook a warning sign as just “being a kid thing” or that they’re just having a bad day. If they’re being bullied and don’t know how to tell me or their dad, I hope they reach out. I hope they tell someone, but I know fear of payback may scare them into painful complacency and mounting, confusing feelings. And if I’ve somehow failed them and they bully someone else, I hope someone tells me. When it comes to bullying and mental illness, we can educate our children, hang posters in schools and count on teachers, with their limited resources, to try and address any concerning behavior. But despite the video series, It Gets Better, I want to keep the secret from my kids that sometimes it doesn’t  Even as adults, we come up against bullies and confusion and mental anguish, it just happens. It hurts now, just as it did then. As parents we need to be the strong ones who power through and while we show weakness, also show our children how we deal with those weaknesses and come out on the other side. This means trying to understand each other, addressing the issues that are hitting our children, like mental illness. Not starting internet fights about gun control or whose fault this is. We owe it to our future to stop sweeping some issues under the rug because we’re not comfortable with them or we don’t understand them.

I want to stress again that my heart hurts for the families of the victims and I wish there was a way to step in and change time so that this never happened. The shooter’s mother may hold some responsibility in exposing an obviously fragile, potentially calculating (possibly even sociopathic, I’m not discounting that) to a stockpile of weapons. Weapons no person needs in their home. (Off that soapbox, quickly).  I question how so many of these people get to the point that we lose innocent lives at their hands. Are they shrinking violets, wallflowers who isolate as they calculate? It’s unfortunate I don’t know more details and am obviously making grand speculations, but I’m struggling to cope with this and the fear in my heart of this world.

There’s a story making the internet rounds about a popular high school boy who saw another boy struggling with a large pile of school books and instead of ignoring him, he helps him. This forms a strong friendship that grows over their years together in high school and the boy with the books goes from being alone and sometimes made fun of to having a wide circle of friends. As they graduate together, this boy, as the valedictorian talks in his speech about the day he was heading home to kill himself. Suffering from depression and feeling alone, he wanted to end it, and had chosen to clean out his locker and take everything home so his mom wouldn’t have to do it. And then a stranger had taken time out to go to him and see that he needed help and reached out. He saved his life.  I’m sure I could internet search or debunk this story with Snopes, but I’m not going to. Because this is how I hope and wish for society to be. Instead of laughing and pointing at the boy with the pile of books, help him.

Intentions

Thanks to Facebook timeline for reminding me of these, especially when I’m working on new ones.

My intentions (resolutions) from 2008…

by Jessica Rand McLean on Monday, December 21, 2009 at 8:24pm
Since I said I’d publish my resolutions for the coming year so I felt accountable, I thought I’d find the ones I wrote for the 2008 (Written December 31, 2007). Funny thing is, some of them are similar to the ones I was planning last year. My update that I wrote in August of 2008 is also included
I’m not going to make these resolutions as much as I’m going to make statements of intention. I think firm “I must do this or my year will be terrible” type resolutions only start the year on a negative note. Hopefully, ambition withstanding and still maintaining a MySpace relationship I’ll update everyone when we’re starting 2009 on how the intentions did. Maybe, if you’re lucky, I’ll do a six-month update.
I intend to continue working out on a daily basis. This is tough because sometimes I’m not certain it’s really doing a whole lot. After three months I expected more results than what I see. I’ll keep doing it knowing it’s a positive thing and it makes me feel a little better to know I’ve worked out.
I intend to maintain the “when it happens” mindset. I feel as though this is a healthy way to not only approach trying to get pregnant, but also a way to approach life in general. My impatience is something I bring up often, usually because it’s back-fired on me. Hopefully this year I can get a little more perspective on waiting.
I intend to stop letting behaviors and actions of others affect me or upset me. I can’t dictate other people’s lives and no matter how much I hope they’ll change, they probably won’t. I will continue to realize that each and every person in my life (or out of my life) is to be dealt with in his or her own unique way and simply because I feel a certain way doesn’t mean they do or will understand me when I wonder why they don’t.
This one isn’t an intention. It’s a statement. I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve and be bold with my emotions. I spent a lot of time with emotional walls up and once I pushed past them, I was totally fine with letting people know how I feel as uncomfortable or blunt as it might be. Too many people hide their feelings, either because they’re afraid to face them or they’re afraid to create touchy situations with those around them. I’m not. And I’m okay with that. Honesty is best in the end and being truthful about how you feel is the best kind of honesty.
I intend to live like it’s always summer. For me, summer releases a kind of freedom; an openness that makes me carefree and relaxed. An attitude of sitting in the backyard watching Frisbees and having a tasty beverage, whether it be beer or iced tea. No coat, no shoes, just the crazy hippy skirt I only bust out when I can wear it with a tank top. I think I retreat into myself when winter hits, hiding in the cocoon that is blizzards and winter driving. I avoid leaving the house as often and I think that restricts living. I don’t think fall does the same, but it does cause me to let go of summer and wave longingly to the relaxation I felt in the sun. Spring is a tease. Half cold, half warm, always wet and muddy and I think I get too caught up in letting go of winter and anticipating summer that I forget to notice that the birds came back and flowers are coming out. I’m going to open myself to feeling the freedom summer breezes bring.
I intend to stop worrying about people liking me and compromising my integrity to be sure they do. I know who my friends are and I know why they are my friends. I have some pretty great friends at that. But as strong as I can appear, I sometimes have a fear that people don’t like me. I’m too strong a personality to mold myself in different ways for different people to like me, but every once in a while I find myself thinking of compromising my true opinions in order to match someone else’s. I know exactly where this weakness stems from, but my blog is not a couch in a therapist’s office, so I don’t think I need to go into that. But I need to realize that part of knowing who I am is acknowledging that I’m different and that people like me for who I am; not who they think I should be, and if they don’t, they’re not meant to be an integral part of my life. My ultimate goal with this intention is allow me to trust. Fear of not being accepted has given me an iron-clad resistance to trust completely. While I’ll never let that barrier down completely, I’ll hopefully reach a point where I’ll stop thinking the worst of each situation.
And the update: So, I said I’d update these about six months in and see how I was doing… well, more than six months later I’m determining the status of my intentions. Which ones worked, which ones might not have been well through out and which ones are still 50/50. I’m deleting the full explanations, just using the main point. If you want to re-read them, you can go a few blogs back to the original. That being said, here we go…
I intend to continue working out on a daily basis. I honestly thought this one would fizzle out. I’ve always hated working out, but I had also reached a point where I hated how I looked and knew I was unhealthy. Rather than resort to short-term or unhealthy solutions I decided it was time I resist my stubborn stance against sweating for extended periods of time. We bought an elliptical for a reason. So, I’ve started working out every day and have continued to the day I am writing this. I’m having some motivation problems in the morning lately, but I’ve been exhausted from work travel (okay, not a good excuse), but I’m still making the effort and making sure I complete a full work out every day.
The results are slow (especially for someone who is impatient and still working on that as you’ll see next…) and I’m of the body type that packs on muscle, so it’s tough knowing that while I’m getting healthy, I’ll never reach waifdom in my drive to modify my body in a healthy way. I tried to determine what body type I am and decided I’m somewhere between endomorph, mesomorph and construction worker. I’m sturdy, not willowy. Incredibly frustrating in dressing rooms. I’ve cycled through a lot of body ups and downs, but this habit of strengthening my body is one I hope hangs on and sticks around for while.
I intend to maintain the “when it happens” mindset. Uh, yeah, about that whole statement tying virtue to patience that I’ve attempted to remind myself many times? I’m still working on that. Someone made a statement recently, not about me, but in general  that implied that anyone who was an only child will tend to have less patience in life. They never had to wait on a sibling to use the bathroom, never had to wait for their parent’s attention. Maybe that’s the problem. I’m pretty sure there’s a short circuit among the lobes of my brain that prevents me from waiting longer than five minutes for whatever I decide I want. If I could pinpoint what drives me to have to have everything right now, I think it would help. I just know that I seem to skip a step in the process. There’s thinking about what I want, deciding what I want and having to have it RIGHT NOW. The step of understanding that some things take time, that some results are slow-going and I’m not owed whatever I desire is disjointed and lacking.  It’s one of those personality characteristics I can recognize, I know when I’m doing it, but I’m observing my behavior in a way that I’m somehow impeded from stepping in and re-adjusting my thinking. I just plow forward in my drive to get what I want without waiting, only to find myself angry, sad, frustrated, etc. when it’s not there immediately. I’m obsessive and addictive and will focus on something to a point of overtaking common sense. Which can have it’s positive connotations. This motivates me to achieve goals and be forward thinking in accomplishing tasks. But more often than not, it just works me up and makes me stress about things out of my control. And I’m still working on how to fix that. Or at least modify it.
I intend to stop letting behaviors and actions of others affect me or upset me. The road to everywhere is paved with good intentions. And this intention had whole-hearted enthusiasm behind it. I can be stone cold in many situations, but I can also be sensitive in a most volatile manner. I’ll either keep you at arm’s length or let you in too far. And when I cross the line of letting you in, I have expectations. Not always, but I forget that we all think in different ways and just because I think a situation or behavior is the best, I don’t run other people’s brains and they’re going to make choices I don’t agree with or understand. I’m easily hurt by others and my temper is easily triggered by insensitivity. I’m still trying to find that point where I realize that it’s my choices that make me who I am and those around me do the same with every choice they make. But their choices don’t necessarily mean that I can question them or wish I could help them. Easy to say, harder to remember. I know I’m still justified in crying if someone hurts my feelings or momentarily writing someone off when they piss me off. It’s how far I take it. It’s how long they freely rent space in my head that I need to amend. I’ve made progress with this one, but it takes reminding myself of the above. I’ll honestly admit I’ve had some tenants (squatters?) in my head since I made this intention, but it’s been somewhat easier for me to get them out sooner than I usually would have. I just have to acknowledge why they’ve bothered me and try to figure out if I even need to worry about it.  And actually, this intention is tied to my next one.
This one isn’t an intention. It’s a statement. I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve and be bold with my emotions. You know why I prefer to be bold with my emotions? Because when someone pisses me off or hurts my feelings or anything else, as mentioned above, I’d much rather get it out in the open so they know where I’m coming from. I’m well aware that many people don’t want to hear it and many don’t want to talk about touchy situations. But I’m still going to put it out there. I had forgotten about this for a while and realized that I was suppressing my honesty and censoring myself too much. (Some censoring is necessary, especially when I’m mad). I do know that I realized that I need to work on being bold with my emotions in a diplomatic and calm way. Screaming anger and crying pain are a little over emotional to be taken seriously. So I know that to be bold with my emotions, I need to make sure I understand them before I share. I need to know if I was feeling betrayed or just annoyed. Hurt or confused.  If I can explain myself better, others will understand me better and conveying the message will go much better. So, I’ve done pretty well with this one (example, I’m writing a blog that bares a lot about myself and I’m comfortable with that), but I do have some interruptions and it comes in the form of the intention below…
I intend to stop worrying about people liking me and compromising my integrity to be sure they do. No need for psycho-babble about why acceptance is so important to me (or anyone, really), but I realize that my drive for it can still have a tendency to make me question my integrity. I find that I tend to hesitate in sharing my emotions (and compromising my drive to be blunt about how I feel), to avoid someone not liking me. It doesn’t stop me from doing so, but that thought is still there and I’ll be concerned about the after effects and worry about someone being angry with me. But as I write this, I realize that’s what keeps me human. It’s important to think of the feelings of others, just not crossing the line of letting them dictate your next step. I think people respect you more if you are who you are and you share how you feel. You don’t have to agree with everyone for them to like you. Your personality can show and it should because that’s how you mesh with others. If everyone agreed on all points, life would be pretty boring. My openness makes me sassy and sometimes I realize sassy can mean obnoxious, but it’s up to me to know how far to go and not be concerned so much with worrying how others perceive it. I’m pretty content with who I am and acknowledge that I’m always a work in progress, but I know progress should come from me, not what I think others want to see in me.
I intend to live like it’s always summer. You know what? Summer is hot. Easy to forget when it’s January and you’re writing a list of intentions while watching out your window at the snowplow racing down your street. Granted, this intention had more idea behind it than the actual weather  but I just want to acknowledge that summer is not my favorite season. But the carefree aspect of this intention is something I’ve tried to embrace. I’ve always been somewhat laidback, yet maintaining a tendency to get easily wound up in under five seconds. It’s the even keel feeling of summertime that was important to me to reflect. But it’s hard when you have no patience. In the end, I feel pretty positive about this one and I feel like I have done what I set out to do when I expressed this intention. No need to add detail, but this one I feel positive about. (Except that patience thing…)

A Weighty Subject

As I look at my post-pregnancy body, I realize a few things.

1) I have my work cut out for me.

2) I have a whole new level of envy (is hatred too strong of a word?) for celebrities and supermodels walking out of the maternity ward in lingerie with washboard abs.

3) I’ve read that during pregnancy (and even when not pregnant) your body may have some food cravings because you are in need of certain nutrients those foods offer. I probably should have realized that some cravings are just cravings and Taco Bell is probably not the equivalent of a multi-vitamin. (Nor is candy. Or ice cream. Or chili cheese nachos…)

I’m once more embarking on an attempt to lose weight (and be healthy, but for me the weight loss is what tends to take priority). I’ve been down this road before. Many, many times. This is my first time actually making an effort to do it properly. My very first attempt as a teenager started out well. Counting fat grams and watching portion sizes. It quickly spiraled into an eight-year eating disorder. I lost weight, for sure. I also ate packets of ketchup for lunch, ruined my metabolism and could have damaged every organ in my body. Being in recovery led my weight to yo-yo for years. Food has so many meanings to me and I can easily avoid it altogether or completely indulge and overeat. I love food. I loved food when I was starving. I just knew the levels of my willpower and allowing some meant going overboard and I couldn’t have that.

As strange as it sounds, my attempt to do it properly seems a little like I’m betraying myself. I know how to lose weight in a much easier way. But I know that’s not okay. I know if I weren’t breastfeeding it would be a much finer line to walk and I could fall into old habits with ease. I have chosen a responsibility to provide my child with nutrients from my own body and I know that if I’m not taking any in, he’s not going to get any. I know at the core of my eating disorder were emotional issues that I’m no longer dealing with, but I also know that baby blues and life changes have given me a new set I could easily bow to instead of figuring out how to manage them and work through in a healthy manner.

In a society where eating disorders are now becoming rampant with girls (and boys) as young as five, it frustrates me that my weight has always been more about how I look instead of being healthy. That if someone is too thin, my first emotion is jealousy (although closely followed by concern). I was frustrated recently by an uproar on Twitter over a guy (a wannabe celebrity whose claim to fame was appearing on Big Brother) who started a new stance on what he was calling managed anorexia. (This is actually a term, and many women “practice” it). He had thousands of followers and spouted many thinspirational sayings such as “nothing tastes as good as thin feels” (many thanks to Kate Moss for perpetuating that one) and claimed that anyone over a size zero was “gross”. For an interesting read on the guy, check out this article where he is essentially called out by the reporter and backpedals as fast as he can once he realizes she’s actually going to publish his idiocy. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/promoting-anorexia-an-int_b_807807.html?ir=Style). It infuriated me that hundreds (thousands) of girls were probably taking to heart what he was saying and beating themselves up further. In a time where girls and women are already battling so many messages about the importance of looks, this piece of crap was endorsing everything they are already trying to overcome and triumph over, no matter how they look.

But I digress, as usual. This is about my attempt to create a new way of thinking for myself. I’m attempting a completely different type of willpower now; one that requires figuring out the balance between excess and necessity, nutritionally. Not to mention making myself realize that my health should be the main priority. It’s an example I need to set for not only myself but for my children. I’m not trying any fad diets or any with short-term results, it’s more about understanding how to make proper food choices; not allowing the naughty stuff because “I’m already overweight, what’s it going to hurt at this point?” and that deprivation only causes overindulgence. I’m making an attempt to retrain my ways of thinking in how I make choices in general and paying attention to long-term results. I know I’ll come across some hurdles, myself being one of them, as well as mastering and maintaining a healthy diet on a limited budget. In addition, I have to figure out time management that will allow me to include a daily workout in my routine. I’m not sure I can use the elliptical while holding an infant, but I’ll figure it out because I have to. So in the end, here’s to changes and their success and learning to like me. More to come, I’m sure…